How the Hironimus Case Has Evolved My Views on Circumcision

I had no opinion on circumcision prior to becoming a mother.

When I was pregnant with my son, the topic naturally came up as one of the "decisions" new parents must make if they have a boy. It didn't take me long to decide against it. Why would I cut off a perfectly healthy, perfectly normal part of my son's body? We had no medical reason to circumcise, so we chose not to. End of story.

I learned a lot more about circumcision in the months and years after we made our choice. And everything I read--every fact I heard about the very useful function of the foreskin (it's so much more than a "flap of skin"), every video I watched (no, I was never able to actually watch a video of the procedure all the way through, but videos are available on YouTube if you'd like to give it a try), every horror story of hemorrhage and complications and repeat surgery and death--EVERYTHING made me more and more thankful that I had chosen to leave my son's perfect body intact.

My decision was not one that I really talked much about. My closest mom-friends knew, and some of my family knew (because they helped change diapers). But otherwise, the topic just never really came up in conversations. Circumcision can be such a controversial topic that it's often avoided. I didn't want anyone to think I was judging them if they chose differently from me. (And, for the record, I generally assumed that most of the parents I knew have circumcised their sons. Even though rates are steadily declining in the U.S., it is so culturally accepted that it seemed safest to assume that "everyone is doing it." I have a lot of friends with kids, and I didn't want to offend anyone.)

Here's where I will rattle off the tried-and-true list of reasons why NOT to circumcise. Like how one of the primary reasons why circumcision became so common in our country was to try to limit masturbation, which is, of course, a stupid reason to cut off useful bodily tissue. Or how studies of circumcision reducing HIV in Africa (in adult men, who consented to the procedure themselves) were flawed and should not be applied to routine infant circumcision in the U.S. (heck, even our military recognizes that circumcision does not prevent STIs). Or how circumcision does not actually reduce the rate of urinary tract infections in boys by any significant amount (lifetime risk goes down by about 0.02%). How about the fact that the New Testament in the Bible actually forbids routine circumcision? Or that babies do, in fact, feel pain the same way that adults do (a lot of people try to claim that the procedure hurts an infant less than it does an adult), and that less than 50% of doctors who perform circumcisions actually use any kind of anesthesia for pain relief? Circumcision can negatively impact breastfeeding. And the idea that a father and son (or brothers) should "match" is just downright ridiculous.

How about this reason? It's his body, and it should be his choice. If a man decides to become circumcised later, that's his decision, but perhaps it's not one we should be making for our kids in the absence of actual medical need. That idea is often referred to as genital integrity.

Yet despite all of these very solid reasons to not do what many deem unnecessary cosmetic surgery (rightfully, in my opinion), I still hardly ever talk about it. I can think of precisely two women who I have broached the subject with (and thankfully, both of them were already planning on going all natural with their sons, so I didn't have to try to convince them otherwise).

But the more I hear and read about the Hironimus case in Florida, the harder and harder it is to stay silent.

Since I imagine you haven't been reading all the same things that I've been reading, here's a quick rundown.

Heather Hironimus and Dennis Nebus have a baby whom they name Chase. They are not married. At some point, the two of them sign a parenting agreement, which includes a clause about circumcision: Hironimus will consent so long as Nebus arranges for the surgery and pays for it.

Now for two important facts. One: Hironimus didn't really know anything about circumcision at the time. Two: Nebus didn't bother to do anything about circumcising their son for more than two years; clearly, it wasn't a huge priority for him.

Meanwhile, Hironimus learns more about circumcision and becomes quietly opposed to it. Mysteriously, Nebus is suddenly eager to have their son circumcised. Hironimus refuses to honor the original agreement. It turns into a big messy court case that spans more than two years.

Flash forward to now. With the assistance of a judge that many feel has disregarded the best interests of the boy, Nebus ultimately wins the case. By now, Chase is nearly four and a half years old. He knows what circumcision means and has repeatedly expressed that he does not want it. Hironimus is threatened with jail time until she consents. She goes into hiding, with her son, at a domestic violence shelter, but is ultimately found and jailed. At first, she holds strong, but the threat of indefinite jail time eventually breaks her; handcuffed and sobbing, Hironimus signs the consent forms.

Coercion DOES NOT equal consent.

And now, rumor has it that Chase is on the brink of receiving this unnecessary surgery. There is no medical reason, he does not want it, and his mother has not truly consented. But all the same, it might still happen.

And this case has really made me rethink my rationale of why I am against routine circumcision. See, before, all of those medical and physical reasons were the top reasons why I was opposed. There's no real benefits! It's painful! It makes sex less pleasurable for adults! An intact boy is super easy to care for!

The more I think about this issue, the more I realize how important the concept of genital integrity really is. What right do we have to make a decision like this for our children? Chase's case is so controversial in part because he's old enough to have his own opinion, and to express that opinion; does that mean that circumcision is somehow more okay when the baby is too young to say no? Most people in our country are very vehemently against the act of female circumcision, but male circumcision is similar in many ways (less so physically and but more so culturally, for the cultures where it is more common); female circumcision is actually illegal in the U.S., but male circumcision is not. It's not my body, it's my son's body; what right do I have to decide that a completely necessary part should be cut off for no good reason?

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is an issue that we really do need to talk about more. For so many people, the issue of circumcision comes down to a vague paragraph or two in a pregnancy or baby care book, but it is so much more complex than that.

And at the same time, it is so much more simple.

Without an actual medical reason, and those are surprisingly few and far between, baby boys should not be circumcised. Period. The surgery can always be done later, but it can never truly be undone.

His body, his choice.

It's time that people start thinking, really thinking, about this decision before they make it. I've been big on informed decision making for a long time now, and that's a major issue here too. Parents deserve to truly know the facts about circumcision before deciding whether or not to do it. It's time to start talking more openly about circumcision.

A Letter to Myself

Welcome to the June 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Talking to Yourself
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have written letters to themselves. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Dear Me of Three Years Ago,

Four months old. Hard to believe, isn't it? This is such a precious time.

Wait a second, I hear you saying. If you're about to go off on some sentimental BS pontification about how I should enjoy this moment because he'll grow so quickly... You can shove it.

Crazy mama of a four-year-old!

I get it. I really do.

Having a four-month-old is hard. Really freakin' hard. You're still sleep deprived, and the fact that you only sleep in two-hour increments (when you're lucky) has really started to take a toll. You feel like a zombie during a good portion of your waking moments. Your boobs hurt, even though both you and baby have mostly gotten the hang of breastfeeding. They still leak sometimes, too. That breastfeeding hunger has you in its grasp, and you feel constantly ravenous (and your nursing station always seems to be out of healthy snacks). You are always parched; even when you drink water all day, you're still thirsty.

But this really is a sweet time. It may be hard to fully appreciate now, but life as you know it just keeps on changing, and soon you'll miss these days.

I'm not just talking about the "he'll never be this small again" thing, although that is absolutely true. There are so many aspects of life right now that are soon going to change dramatically.

I mean, right now, you're really in a great place. Physically, at least. The postpartum bleeding, the lochia, is completely gone and has been for awhile. Your regular monthly cycle hasn't come back. You've moved beyond the worst of the breastfeeding issues, and have settled into a comfortable rhythm of feeding completely on cue. Baby still sleeps a goodly chunk of every day (spoiler alert: in three years, he'll hardly be napping at all), which means you can still slip in a daily nap or two of your own with relative ease.

And when you're not napping, you still have time to do some uninterrupted reading. Take a shower, perhaps. Or maybe even watch a little Netflix. Please take advantage of this now, because when you get to where I am, it's a whole lot harder. You probably don't want to know how little time you'll be able to carve out for movies when another few months (or years) have passed.

And now that you've well and truly gotten into a babywearing groove, you're much more mobile. During those times when baby doesn't just fall asleep while nursing, you can instead strap him to your chest and let him snooze there. You can get up and go! You can do almost anything!

It's hard to believe, but someday you will miss these days where the only thing you're expected to do is sit around and nurse a baby. Seriously. No one expects you to do much of anything around the house right now, because being a mother takes almost every ounce of your energy. Before you know it, you'll have to find time to get your home back to some semblance of clean again. At least every once in awhile. You'll have to start cooking real food again (although that's more because you want it than because anyone else expects it of you). You'll actually have to start folding the laundry again, rather than just leaving giant piles of clean clothes for the family to sift through.

And speaking of breastfeeding, have I mentioned how awesome it is that you're still doing so exclusively?! Good job, you/me! You want to know what one of the bonuses of exclusive BF is? Being able to eat pretty much whatever you want. You need those extra calories every day, after all, and you already know that you'll drop the baby weight eventually. No rush there. Eat all the trail mix and dried fruit you want! Enjoy those occasional milk shakes! Your body is burning through it all, believe me, so enjoy that freedom while it lasts. Because it won't be for too much longer.

I'm not trying to make light of things, I'm really not. I'm not so far beyond those challenging early days that I've forgotten how hard it is to learn how to be a mother. That is an ongoing task, and three plus years in, I still learn something new every day. Please don't beat yourself up too much for all the things you don't know yet. You have plenty of time to learn more. Just keep on going to your friends and family for advice, reading, and, above all else, trusting your own instincts. It's an ongoing process, and your parenting skills will continue to evolve as needed.

Let me get a bit sentimental here, though. It really does go by fast. If you ever start to get sick of breastfeeding constantly, well, remember that someday your baby will no longer be nursing at all. If holding him for almost every waking hour of the day makes your arms ache, understand that you're providing him with the secure attachment he needs right now... and someday soon, he'll hardly let you carry him at all, and you'll only get the briefest of hugs and kisses. If you get tired of being the only place where he wants to sleep, know that eventually he'll climb out of your bed all on his own, retreating to his own sleeping nest after those middle of the night snuggles.

You'll miss these days. It's hard to imagine, but you will. Having a four-month-old is so hard sometimes that it's easy to lose sight of how wonderful it is, too.

Soak it up while you can.

Love, me

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Dear Me. — Meegs at A New Day writes to her decade-younger self offering a good reminder of how far she's come, and she addresses some fears she wishes future her could assuage.
• Reflecting on Motherhood with Parental Intelligence: A Letter to Myself — Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. at Parental Intelligence writes about raising her two loving, empathic sons with Parental Intelligence and finding they have become industrious, accomplished young men with warm social relationships.
• A Letter to Myself — The Barefoot Mama writes to herself in the moments around the birth of her daughter.
• A Letter to Myself — Holly at Leaves of Lavender offers a missive to herself in the past... three years in the past, to be precise, when her little one was only four months old.
• Dear me: Nothing will go the way you've planned — Lauren at Hobo Mama gets real with her just-starting-parenting self and tells it to her straight.
• A Letter to the Mama Whom I Will Become — Erin from And Now, for Something Completely Different writes a letter to the Mama whom she will one day be, filled with musings on the past, present, and future.
• Dear Me of 7 Years Ago — Lactating Girl at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes to her pre-baby self telling her about the whirlwind she's about to enter called parenting.
• Talking to My 18 Year Old Self — HannahandHorn talks to herself as she is just entering college.
• Dear highly sensitive soul — Marija Smits tells a younger version of herself that motherhood will bring unexpected benefits - one of them being the realization that she is a highly sensitive person.
• Talking to myself: Dear Pre Stoneageparent — Stoneageparent enlightens her pre-pregnant self about the amazing transformations life has in store for her after having two children
• Dear Me: I love you. — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wrote herself a few little reminders to help her be at peace with who she is in the moment. That may give her the greatest chance of being at peace in the future, too.
• My best advice to the new mama I was 8 years ago — Tat at Mum in Search shares the one thing she wishes she'd figured out earlier in a letter to her 8-years-ago self (that's when her first baby was 6 moths old).
• A Letter to Myself — Bibi at The Conscious Doer sends a letter back in time eight years to her darkest moment post partum.
• To me, with love — Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama makes peace with her past and projects what a future her will need to hear.
• To Myself on the Last Day — Rachael at The Variegated Life tells her panicked last-day-before-motherhood self not to worry.

The Big Three-Oh

How do you celebrate a milestone?

If you're me, you apparently celebrate with yoga.

 

And PiYo. And Starbucks. And delicious vegan food. Housework and park time and reading lots and lots of (picture) books. Copious amounts of tea.

And brownies. Can't forget the brownies.

In short, my birthday was pretty much like any other day. Well, to be fair, I don't drink Starbucks *every* day. And as much as I love brownies, I don't actually make them very often (because I have no self control when it comes to brownies). The point is that I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary.

The past decade has been pretty amazing, though. I've accomplished an awful lot. I got married, bought a house, moved out of my home state (in that order). I've lived in at least 5 or 6 different homes (most of them apartments), because I'm apparently incapable of living in the same place for more than two years. I'm currently living in Southern California, where I've lived for the past few years.

I gave birth to a wonderful little boy and breastfed him for three years (and then some).

I got into shape, then got out of shape (I barely exercised for more than two years after my son's birth), then finally got back into shape again.

I refined the way I eat, going from being an essential junk food vegetarian to eating a fully plant-based (and primarily vegan) diet.

I worked at several jobs and ultimately settled into my full-time gig as a stay-at-home mama.

Ultimately, I have found happiness. I have a wonderful little family. I seem to have my depressive issues under control. I'm getting better at balancing my family with my own interests: reading, reviewing books, writing, tabletop games, occasional video games.

So what will the next ten years hold? Who knows! I have no idea where we will be living a few years from now. I have no idea if the future will bring another baby for us. I don't know if I will ever fully commit to veganism. I don't know when I will ever hold a "real" job again.

Much is yet uncertain, but I am definitely looking forward to the coming years!

I Believe in Empowered Birth

 Once upon a time, I did not think I was ever going to have a baby.

Hard to believe, right? I spend so much time nowadays talking about pregnancy and birth and babies that most people probably assume I was that little girl who always played house, pretending to care for her baby dolls and imaging names I'd give to my future children.

Not so much. I honestly never thought much about it as a child. Or I don't remember thinking about it, anyway. And as a teenager, I was adamantly against the idea of having a baby. The weirdness of growing a living creature inside my own body, the pain of labor, the actual process of birth... no, thank you! If I ever had a a baby, it would certainly be adopted!

As a young adult and through the first few years of my marriage, I maintained that point of view. No babies, not for us. We'll just be the "cool" aunt and uncle, who visit our nieces and nephews bringing toys and cupcakes, but then we still get to go home by ourselves at the end of the day. That thought suited me just fine.

I'm not sure entirely when that changed. The seeds may have been planted when I read my first natural birth book (Birthing a Better Way by Kalena Cook and Margaret Christensen, which I was inspired to pick up as a review book for San Francisco Book Review during my sister's first pregnancy). Maybe it had something to do with both of my siblings having babies of their own. Maybe it was having pregnant coworkers, or making new friends who were already parents. Whatever the case, D and I started discussing actually having a baby of our own.

I still had my own fears to get over, of course. I was still very freaked out by the idea of pregnancy. And as for birth... well, I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of a baby's head coming out of my vagina. And the pain of contractions! Every movie and TV show I'd ever seen depicting birth showed screaming women who felt like they were being torn apart from the inside, dramatically intense labors beginning with an explosion of amniotic fluid, mantras that consisted of "I can't do this I hate you I'm going to kill you for doing this to me I just want this to be over." Birth looked downright scary. But what was scarier, the pain itself, or the big epidural needle that could take it away?

But we did it anyway. And apparently that one natural childbirth book had made a deeper impression on me than I realized at the time, because as I started reading about birth, I immediately found myself gravitating toward less interventions. I did not know quite what I did want from birth, but I certainly had some ideas of what I didn't want, and the hospitals in my area did not seem to be able to deliver. Routine electronic fetal monitoring, mandatory IVs, high c-section and epidural rates, the regular use of drugs to speed things up.... these were not what I wanted.

I like to say that I accidentally stumbled into the natural birth community. By knowing what I didn't want, I eventually figured out what I did want. Through rejecting some mindsets and the books that promoted them, I instead found books advocated for natural birth. I discovered birth centers and home birth. I learned that for many low-risk women, ultrasounds aren't actually necessary. I found out that I didn't have to take a test or do a procedure just because my care provider included it in their standard of care (and I was fired by my OB for doing just that!). I learned about natural, non-medicated ways to cope with labor pain (and the more I read about the side effects of epidurals, the more determined I became to avoid one). I read about the many benefits of not cutting the umbilical cord right away. I learned about skin-to-skin, about why the vernix shouldn't be washed away, and why that ointment they put in a baby's eyes was completely unnecessary for us.

Between books (I was lucky enough to have someone refer me to Ina May, and I followed my instincts and returned What to Expect to the library just a few days after checking it out in the first place) and the Internet (where I discovered many wonderful blogs and the beauty of positive birth stories), not to mention the guidance of my midwife (who introduced me to The Business of Being Born, among other things), I was able to figure out what kind of birth I wanted.

And you know what? The birth of my son was perfect. It was the most amazing and empowering thing I've ever done. And I attribute that to the amount of time I spent researching my options, learning everything I could about the normal process of birth.

To me, that is what empowered birth is really about. Empowered birth does not necessarily mean a natural birth, nor does it mean a pain-free hospital birth. It means taking every step you can to ensure having the kind of birth YOU want. It means being treated with respect and dignity throughout labor, so that even when things don't go they way you wanted them to you still feel like you had a great birth. It means knowing your options. It means knowing potential side effects, knowing the benefits and the risks of everything. It means informed consent - AND refusal.

That's why, even today, more than three years after my son's birth (and with no certainty of whether or not I'll ever be able to experience birth again), I remain so passionate about birth. I don't even want to think about what my son's birth could have been like if I hadn't started reading. I know so many people who had birth experiences that were disappointing or downright traumatic... and in most cases, they probably didn't have to be. (And that's a failing of the system, of the way birth happens in our country. It is not a failing of birthing women!) Birth is absolutely unpredictable, and things don't always go according to plan, but it's amazing how simply being educated about the process can make the entire process more satisfying overall.

I believe every woman deserves the opportunity to have an amazing birth. That is why I briefly sought certification as a natural childbirth educator (and why I may eventually return to that vocation someday), why I dream of being a doula in the future, why I share a million pregnancy- and birth-related articles with my friends through social media.

I got lucky. I read one good book, and then I stumbled upon others and some amazing websites. I found I had questions, and I discovered the answers that were right for me. But it shouldn't have been merely determined by luck. The information necessary for an empowered birth is out there, but it shouldn't be so hard to find. 

And that's why we must all keep working to make sure pregnant women have access to real information about birth.