Great Books for Your Pregnancy

I have read an awful lot of pregnancy books over the last few years.  When I was pregnant with my son, I read a number of books, mostly from the library; I didn't know what kinds of books I was looking for, and I didn't know what kinds of books were out there, so I picked up a handful of "mainstream" pregnancy books (which you won't find on this list).  During the process of certifying to be an instructor for Birth Boot Camp, I read a ton more.  (And many of those are on this list!)  And as a book reviewer for San Francisco Book Review, I am pretty sure that I review most of the pregnancy books that come through (and I specifically have them request others that I hear about through the grapevine).

So I wouldn't say I'm any kind of an expert on pregnancy books, but I have read a lot of them.  Thus, this list.

What you will find on this list are all of the books I now recommend to friends who are expecting a baby.  They are all the books I wish I had known to read when I was pregnant.  And while I am a big fan of natural birth, these books don't all push the idea down your throat.  (Well, some of them are very strongly in favor of natural birth.  But most of them just want women to have a good birth, which is not necessarily synonymous with natural.)  Instead, these books tend to promote evidence-based care in pregnancy and birth, which is something that I strongly believe all women are entitled to.

Part of my collection.

Books for Pregnancy & Birth

The Healthy Pregnancy Book 
~William & Martha Sears
Just to let you know now, this list contains a number of books from the "Sears Parenting Library."  I love Dr. Sears, and I am not ashamed to admit it.  (And did you know that he loves Birth Boot Camp?  Just sayin'.)   The Healthy Pregnancy Book is quite possibly my top pick for pregnancy books at the moment; if you think you will only make it through one book before your baby is born, this should be it!  Published in 2013, it's very up-to-date.  It covers all the important things you need to know to have a healthy pregnancy (diet and exercise, as well as things like sleep, reducing stress, and important lifestyle changes to consider), and it also covers pregnancy in a month-by-month format.  I love that this book promotes looking at pregnancy and birth as a normal, physiological process, and while it advocates this mother-centered style of care (often called the midwifery style of care), it approaches everything in such a way as to be appealing to readers of all stripes.  No matter what you think you want your birth to look like, this book will be a beneficial read to you.
For a slightly more detailed review, check out:
My review of The Healthy Pregnancy Book on San Francisco Book Review
My full-length review of The Healthy Pregnancy Book on this blog

Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn 
~Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley, Ann Keppler, Janelle Durham, April Bolding
You're probably wondering why it would be necessary to read more than one "complete" pregnancy book.  The reason is because not every book contains the same information, because not every book has the same focuses, and because every book is written in a slightly different way; you will no doubt find some books more appealing than others (for a variety of reasons).  Things I specifically loved about this book: descriptions and pictures of yoga poses that are beneficial during pregnancy, an entire no-nonsense chapter devoted to potential complications (I'd rather have them all in one place than scattered throughout the book, like some pregnancy books tend to do; this way, you can get your worrying out of the way all at once!), and a really detailed section on comfort techniques to deal with labor pain (because even if you think you'll want an epidural, you still can't get one right away, so you need to some ideas for how to cope in the meantime).  Lots and lots of good information in this book!

Birthing a Better Way
~Kalena Cook, Margaret Christensen
Back before I even knew I wanted to have a baby, I reviewed a copy of this book on a whim.  It is still not a particularly well-known book, but I recommend it to every pregnant woman I know.  Birthing a Better Way is the first book to introduce me to the concept of natural birth, and for that, it will always hold a place in my heart.  This book presents twelve essential "secrets" to help women have the natural birth they dream of.  After everything I've read and after having had a natural birth myself, they all seem so commonsense, and that's why this book is such a great place to start if you're interested in having a natural birth!  From the importance of "shopping around" for care providers and birth places, to understanding the purpose of labor pain and having strategies to cope with it, to finding expert opinions to back up and support your own decisions, this book has a lot of good information.  It's packed with facts, not to mention a handful of good birth stories!  If you want a natural birth, or are even just considering it, this book is a good one.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
~Ina May Gaskin
The natural birth community loves Ina May Gaskin.  And with good reason!  If you've never heard of her, Ina May is a famous midwife and the founder of the Farm Midwifery Center in Tennessee.  Thousands of babies have been born naturally there, under the care of trained midwives, with very few complications; Ina May herself has attended more than 1200 births over her lifetime.  The first half of this book is a collection of birth stories; some of them are pretty "hippy," many of them will likely be nothing like how you will experience birth, but they make for a powerful read that will reaffirm the fact that natural birth is possible!  The second half covers "The Essentials of Birth," and includes topics such as what really happens during labor, the sphincter law (fun fact: when I was in labor, most of what I had learned about birth evaporated from my mind, but I did remember the sphincter law!), the third stage of labor (delivery of the placenta), VBAC, and the importance of choosing a good care provider.  This book was very inspirational for me!

Journey Into Motherhood
~Sheri Menelli
A good friend of mine recommended this book to me early in my own pregnancy.  Positive birth stories are, in my opinion, a very important part of your pregnancy reading.  Birth does not have to be scary, or traumatic, and reading empowering examples of how others have rocked their births will help you gain confidence in your body's own abilities.  And this collection of 48 stories is one of the best I've read.  The focus of this book is natural birth, but even if that's not your stated goal you will enjoy these stories; I challenge you to not find yourself crying in response to the beauty and passion of these women!  There are lots of collections of birth stories out there, and there are many websites full of them as well (I'm a big fan of Birth Without Fear), but this collection is by far my favorite.

The Birth Book
~William & Martha Sears
Another good one from the Sears Parenting Library.  This one is a bit outdated at this point (published in 1994; here's hoping they're working on a revised edition!), but it most of the information in it has not changed, so it's still a great one to read.  While The Healthy Pregnancy Book discusses your options for giving birth, The Birth Book really covers this topic in depth.  There are so many things to think about when it comes to giving birth, and the decisions can be a bit overwhelming even to someone who has given birth before.  This book can help you work your way through your questions, enabling you to have your baby in a way that is both safe and empowering.

Books for Special Interests & Special Circumstances

The Pregnant Athlete
~Brandi & Steven Dion, Joel Heller, Perry McIntosh
Who says that working out while pregnant means brisk walks and prenatal yoga?  Certainly not the authors of this well-researched book!  It is pretty well-known now that staying active throughout your pregnancy is beneficial to both you and your baby.  This book is for the driven athlete who wants to maintain her edge as best as she can through pregnancy and start getting back to work as soon as possible after giving birth.  With information about how pregnancy changes your body (and how this affects your workouts), nutrition information for an active lifestyle, and even special workout plans, this book will help you stay as fit as possible.

Your Vegetarian Pregnancy
~Holly Roberts
I faced more questions about my vegetarian diet during the months of my pregnancy than I had during the entire eight or so years prior to becoming pregnant.  Where are you getting your protein?  Are you getting enough folic acid/iron/B12/etc?  Are you gaining enough weight?  Yes, yes, yes, it is very possible to have a perfectly healthy diet on a vegetarian (or even vegan) diet.  I had spent years adjusting my diet to make sure I was healthy and getting enough nutrients prior to getting pregnant, and while it was hard to get up to the 80+ grams of protein per day my midwife wanted me to be eating, it was by no means impossible.  This book discusses all of the important parts of a healthy diet, and offers a variety of vegetarian sources to help you meet your body's needs.  I love the question-and-answer format, too; it feels like having an informative discussion with your care provider over a cup of (non-caffeinated) tea.  If you are in need of reassurance, or even if you just need some concrete facts to present to well-meaning family and friends, this book is a fantastic resource.

Beautiful Babies
~Kristen Michaelis
On the other side of the dietary spectrum, women who embrace a traditional/primal/Paleo type of diet (forgive me for lumping them all together; they all look pretty similar to me) are bound to also have concerns about how their eating habits will affect their growing babies.   I have read a handful of books focusing on traditional foods during pregnancy (I know, this is strange for a vegetarian to admit, but it's true), and Beautiful Babies is the best, hands-down.  Kristen Michaelis isn't a doctor (and she makes that abundantly clear), but she has spent a lot of time researching the topic, and her book is an excellent summary of how such a diet can help women improve their fertility, have a healthy pregnancy, breastfeed, and get babies off to a good start with solids.  I love the non-judgmental tone of the book, and how there is information that everyone will find useful, no matter what your personal eating habits are.
For a slightly more detailed review, check out:
My review of Beautiful Babies on San Francisco Book Review

The VBAC Companion
~Diana Korte
So your first baby was born by cesarean section.  For many women, that doesn't mean that you can't have a vaginal birth with your next one!  VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is recognized as a safe option by many birth experts, including ACOG, but that doesn't mean it isn't a bit scary too.  But as with all things birth, educating yourself is important, and this book is a great first step in that direction.  Most pregnancy books touch on VBAC, but it is worth your time to read a book that specifically addresses how your prior c-section can affect your birthing decisions this time around.

Books for Baby Care

Sure, we all like to think that caring for a baby will come completely naturally to us, but the truth is that we could all use a bit of guidance when it comes to caring for our little ones, especially in those early confused and sleep-deprived days.  Read some books on baby stuff now, during your pregnancy, to give yourself a head start before you even give birth.

The Other Baby Book
~Megan McGrory Massaro, Miriam Katz
I generally refer to this book as a primer on alternative parenting practices.  Meaning, this shouldn't be your only stop if you're interested in, say, co-sleeping or baby-led weaning, but it's a great introductory point.  The authors discuss natural birth, common newborn procedures (like the vitamin K shot, antibiotic eye drops, circumcision, and vaccination), the myth holding and touching your baby too much can "spoil" him, breastfeeding, baby sleep habits, elimination communication (sometimes known as infant potty training), and much, much more.  This is another book I recommend to everyone, if only to let people know that there are other options and ideas out there.

The Baby Book
~William & Martha Sears, Robert Sears, James Sears
I can't even tell you how much I relied on this book during the first few years of my son's life.  Even now, I still turn back to this book for reliable information from time to time.  The Baby Book planted the seed for my love of attachment parenting; it gave me the support I needed as a vulnerable new parent to just follow my instincts and parent my baby in a way I felt was right.  Covering the first two years of your baby's life, this book touches on pretty much every topic a new parents will want or need to know about.  Dr. Sears's books are always so straightforward and approachable; he presents ideas and methods and facts in a completely non-threatening way, making this book an excellent source for everyone, including friends and family members who don't understand why you're doing some of the things you're doing.  If you only get one book on baby care, this one would be my recommendation!

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
~Diane Wessinger, Diana West, Teresa Pitman
If you plan to breastfeed your baby, learning about the process ahead of time can save you a lot of grief.  Yes, breastfeeding is hard work, but I promise you that if you can make it for the first six weeks or so, you will be good to go!  In my opinion, there are a few factors that can really make a big difference for the woman who wants to breastfeed.  One is tenacity: decide early on what you want, and be determined to make it work!  Another is support: surround yourself with others who are or who want to breastfeed, attend La Leche League meetings, and find a good lactation consultant.  And, arguably, the most important is education.  The more you know about how breastfeeding works, about the eating patterns of babies, about how your milk is what your baby is naturally designed to eat (it's not "best;" it's biologically normal!), and about how to deal with any issues that arise, the better your chances are of meeting your goals.  Every woman who wants to nurse her baby should start reading this book before baby comes, and then keep it close at hand.

The Happiest Baby on the Block
~Harvey Karp
This book may have saved my sanity more than once during the first few months of my son's life.  In it, Dr. Karp lays out his theory of the fourth trimester, which helps explain why babies spend the first three months or so of life wanting to nurse frequently and be held almost constantly.  It also lays out a rather magical formula for soothing an unhappy baby.  Magical, I tell you.  This book also taught me how to swaddle effectively, which helped my baby fall asleep on many occasions.  It's worth reading this one ahead of baby's arrival; you'll want to have some ideas to soothe your baby before the sleepless nights start.

The Vaccine Book 
~Robert Sears
Vaccines are a complex issue, and it sometimes seems like those who are strongly for or against their use rely primarily on fear to convince parents one way or the other.  Here's what I think: the decision of if and how to vaccinate is a major one, and you owe it to yourself and your child to research the topic thoroughly so that you can make your decision an informed one.  If you're leaning towards vaccination, you deserve to know what's in the shots and what kinds of reactions your baby may experience.  If you're leaning away from vaccinations, you deserve to know the likelihood of your child catching the disease in question and how potentially serious the illness could be.  The Vaccine Book does a very good job laying out all of these factors and more for each vaccine currently in the recommended schedule.  This book is a great source for unbiased information on a highly derisive topic.

Small Batch Brownies

I can easily eat an entire pan of brownies in one sitting.  Well, maybe not one sitting.  But in one day, definitely.

I obviously have no self control when it comes to baked goods.  This is an established fact.

And the obvious solution to this, of course, is to just bake things in smaller quantities, so that I can eat the entire thing with less guilt.  Thus, a smaller batch of brownies, since that's what I was in the mood for tonight.

Back in my last apartment, where I had a microwave, I would satisfy my brownie cravings by making mug brownies.  None of that Betty Crocker microwave dessert bowl nonsense; real mug brownies are super easy, and they usually were just what I needed.  But my current apartment has no microwave, and I am too cheap to buy one (and I've lived easily enough without one before!), so a new way to make small quantities of brownies was needed.

So here's what I threw together tonight.  These brownies are not even remotely healthy for you; they have more sugar in them than flour, and lots of fat.  But that's why they taste so good!  I may eventually try to make a healthier version, but sometimes a little indulgence is fun too.

Little Bug and I almost polished off the whole batch.  Which wasn't hard to do.  But I did manage to put a few aside for my husband, because I'm just that kind of generous.

Here's hoping that I don't end up sneaking into them for a late-night snack!

Small Batch Brownies

If baked in a mini muffin tin, makes one dozen.  And who wouldn't want to make them that way?  Then you get plenty of crispy edges, and everyone knows those are the best parts.  These brownies are chewy and fudgy, just the way I like them.

I know the amounts here are kind of weird.  That's what happens when you make things in small batches.

1 tbsp + 1 tsp baking cocoa
2 tbsp + 2 tsp boiling water
1/2 oz unsweetened baking chocolate
1 tbsp butter, melted
2 tbsp + 1 tsp vegetable oil (melted coconut oil would be awesome too, I bet)
1 large egg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 c + 2 tbsp sugar
1/4 c + 3 tbsp flour
pinch salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Prepare something to bake the brownies in (I used a mini muffin tin) by spraying with baking spray.

Whisk baking cocoa and boiling water together.  Add baking chocolate and stir until completely melted (chop it up first and this will happen faster).  Add butter (melt ahead of time, or just rely on the still warm mixture to melt it for you) and oil, and stir until well-combined (but it will probably still look kind of curdled).  Add egg and vanilla extract and mix well.  Then add sugar and mix until completely smooth.  Add in flour and salt and mix thoroughly.

Pour into mini muffin tins (or other baking dish of choice).  Bake until a knife or toothpick inserted into the center of one comes out clean; approximately 25 minutes for mini muffins.  Cool in pan for awhile, then remove to a wire rack to cool completely.  The longer you let them cool, the chewier they'll be!

Cloth Diapers: A Primer

Been thinking about cloth diapers?  Not sure where to start researching?  I have been using cloth on my son almost since his birth, and have always enjoyed talking about the hows and whys to anyone who is curious.  Read on!

Disclaimer:  I don't claim to be an expert on cloth diapers; in fact, there are tons of bloggers out there who know a whole lot more about the subject than I do!  This is just a little introductory guide complete with tons of links for additional reading, written since I have had a lot of people ask me about getting started with cloth.  For even more information, definitely check out other cloth diapering blogs, such as The Cloth Diaper Whisperer or Dirty Diaper Laundry.  Or check out a book!  My favorite is Confessions of a Cloth Diaper Convert.  Seriously.  If you decide you want to give cloth a try, get that book.

Reasons to Use Cloth Diapers

There are lots of reasons people why people choose to use cloth diapers!  Aside from the fact that they're just so darn cute, here are some of the biggest factors to consider.

Price.  One of the biggest arguments I hear against cloth diapers is usually cost.  They're so expensive!  In all reality, using cloth for your baby's diaper years is much, much cheaper than using disposables.  The biggest difference is that using cloth diapers requires a good-sized initial output, while using disposables spreads the cost out over the course of a few years.  When I actually went and calculated it out, I determined that I spent around $300 for my entire stash of cloth diapers, and that is a figure I hear frequently quoted by others.  That $300 worth of diapers lasted my son from beginning to end.  That price will naturally vary depending on what kinds of diapers you buy, whether you seek out organic materials, where you buy them from, whether you get any of them used, etc., but even allowing for those factors it is rare to spend more than $1000 on an entire stash.  By contrast, using disposable diapers for 37 months (which is the average age for potty training in the U.S.) will cost at least $2200, and that's not even including added costs from disposable wipes.  It can be estimated that Americans spend an average total of $27 million every day on diapers.  And if you have more than one child, most (or all) of your cloth diapers can be reused for the next baby.

Eco-Friendliness.  Disposable diapers take a long, long time to break down in landfills.  Some estimates say that it could take more than 500 years for a diaper to decompose!  Even diapers touted as "biodegradable" do not really break down unless you are personally putting them into a compost pile; biodegradable diapers thrown out with your regular trash end up in the same landfill as the rest of your trash, where the microbes that would break them down can't get to them.  But what about the water used to launder cloth diapers?  What about the carbon emissions from using the washing machine?  Cloth diapers require less energy, less water, and less raw materials to produce.  Add in emissions from laundering, and even if your washer/dryer are not energy-efficient, cloth still ultimately produces less emissions than using disposables for an equivalent length of time.  As for water usage, yes, washing diapers does use a significant amount of water.  (For the record, I noticed very little change in my water bill due to additional water usage.  The apartment we lived in for the first three months of my son's life did, in fact, have metered water.)  At least the water from washing cloth diapers is relatively benign though, especially compared to the waste water that comes from the industries necessary to produce disposable diapers.  Most people agree that cloth diapers are more environmentally-friendly than disposables.

Better for Baby.  All kinds of chemicals go into the production of disposable diapers, including dioxin (which is a carcinogen), chlorine, and the super-absorbent polymer (certain types of which have been directly linked to toxic shock syndrome) that sucks up all of baby's urine and keeps baby feeling dry.  It's hard to determine what all of the "ingredients" of a disposable diaper are because most companies that produce them refuse to tell consumers.  These chemicals are often the cause of diaper rash; many parents have witnessed their baby's persistent diaper rash magically clear up once the switch to cloth is made.  And even if the chemicals in disposables don't give your baby's skin a noticeable rash, do you really want such an unnatural product touching your baby's vulnerable, new skin in such a sensitive place all day, every day?  Disposable diapers have also been linked to asthma, and contain many ingredients that are known respiratory irritants.

• What is Inside Those Disposable Diapers?

And one final thought, courtesy of The Business of Baby:  "A boy's penis and testes are on the outside of the body in order to keep them at a temperature cooler than 98.6ºF.  But plastic diapers keep the genital area hotter than nature designed it to be.  A study of forty-eight healthy children, published in Archives of Disease in Childhood, found that scrotal skin temperatures were significantly higher in boys who wore disposable diapers than in boys wearing cloth."

Types of Cloth Diapers

Most cloth diapers today are very user-friendly, and are similar in appearance and functionality to disposable diapers.  Here are descriptions of the basic types of cloth diapers available today.  Some cloth diaper enthusiasts divide cloth diapers into many more categories than I do; I tend to lump similar kinds together.  At the end of most descriptions are links to a few particular brands that make that kind of diaper.  I've tried to include a bunch of different brands, but there are so many out there that there's no way I could list them all!

Prefolds/Inserts and Covers.  The cover (sometimes called a wrap) is usually made of something waterproof (such as polyurethane laminate [PUL] or wool), and it is usually shaped exactly like a disposable diaper.  Some brands come in different sizes, while others can be adjusted using snaps in order to fit babies of different sizes.  The cover goes over some kind of absorbent cloth insert (which is next to baby's skin) and is generally closed either using snaps or velcro (although pull-on varieties exist as well).  Prefolds are composed of many layers of fabric sewn together (with an especially padded center section), and are folded in thirds before putting on baby.  Other inserts can be found that are a single long rectangle, no folding necessary.  There are also contour inserts, which are hourglass-shaped and provide better coverage over baby's bottom.  Some people like attaching the diaper to the baby separately, using diaper pins or some other kind of diaper fastener (such as a Snappi), while others just set the insert in the cover and rely on the cover's closure to hold the whole thing together.  (This has always worked great for me.)  Some brands actually let you attach the insert directly into the cover (usually with a snap); these kinds of diapers are sometimes referred to as "all-in-twos," or lumped together with other hybrid diapers (see below).  The covers do not need to be washed after each use (unless baby poop got on it), but instead can be rotated in and out until laundry day.
Bummis
Econobum

Moraki

Pocket Diapers.  Pocket diapers also consist of a cover and an insert, except the cover is made of two layers: something waterproof on the outside, and something softer that goes against baby's skin on the inside and is usually designed to wick moisture away.  In between those two layers is a pocket, in which you stuff an absorbent insert of some sort.  Most pocket diapers have a hole at just one end through which the insert is stuffed, although some brands have openings at both ends (these kinds of diapers are sometimes referred to as sleeve diapers).  These are probably the most user-friendly of cloth diapers, and tend to be beloved by dads everywhere for their ease of use.  They can be a bit more expensive, however, since you need a lot more covers than you do when using prefolds; every time you change baby, the entire dirty diaper (cover and insert) needs to be washed.  There are a few extra steps involved, too: insert must be stuffed, and then it must be removed again before it goes into the washing machine.
AppleCheeks
FuzziBunz

Fitted Diapers.  Think similar functionality to prefolds & covers, only the inside part is shaped familiarly like a diaper too, and usually has a closure of some sort included.  Some sort of waterproof cover is still required, however.  These are pretty easy to use but can be harder to wash; the fitted diapers are oddly-shaped and may take longer to dry.

All-In-Ones (AIOs).  The most user-friendly of all, an all-in-one is all of the parts that make up other kinds of cloth diapers (waterproof cover, absorbent insert, softer layer against the skin), except they are all sewn together.  No stuffing needed, no separate pieces; just grab, put on baby, and go!  All-in-ones are generally thought of as extremely friendly to dads, babysitters, and daycare centers.  They also tend to be the most expensive cloth diapers, and can be the hardest to get clean.
bumGenius

Hybrids.  The benefits of cloth with some of the convenience of disposables--specifically, the ability to throw or flush away solid wastes.  That's what a hybrid is.  Basically, you have a waterproof outer cover and then you can either use cloth inserts or a disposable (and often biodegradable) insert.
Flip Diapers
gDiapers

Other brands:
BabyKicks (pocket, fitted)
Blueberry (inserts/covers, all-in-one)
Kawaii (inserts/covers, pocket)
Kissaluvs (covers, contour, pocket, fitted, all-in-one, hybrid)
Thirsties (inserts/covers, fitted, all-in-ones)

What About Baby Wipes?

If you're already using cloth diapers, why not go ahead and use cloth wipes too?  Many cloth diaper retailers also sell cloth wipes, which can be either used dry, by wetting with plain water, or by wetting with a special diaper wipe solution (either store-bought or homemade).  You can also make your own cloth wipes!

• DIY Cloth Wipes
• How to Make Your Own Family Cloth Wipes
• Homemade Cloth Wipe Solutions & Recipes

Other Cloth Diapering Gear

What other kinds of things do you need if you are using cloth diapers?  As far as I'm concerned, there are really only two essentials:

Diaper Pail.  Or some other place to store the diapers that have been soiled until you're ready to wash them.  Most "traditional" diaper pails work fine, but you will probably want something to line it with.  You can buy specific liners, use a wet bag, or just use a pillowcase!

Wet Bag.  This is basically a zippered bag that is lined with something waterproof, primarily used (by me, anyway) for when you are out on the town and need to do a diaper change.

How Do I Wash Them?

Washing cloth diapers is really not a difficult process.  First off, make sure that you clean poop off of the diapers immediately after changing baby.  (This is necessary once baby has started solids, or if baby drinks formula in any quantity.  The poop of an exclusively breastfed baby is water-soluble and will rinse away cleanly in the washing machine, but once anything else is going into baby's stomach the poop has to come off first.)  You can simply swish the diaper in the toilet to get it off; this is easy and requires no special tools, although you will likely end up with some on your hands in the process (which is, of course, nothing a little soap and water can't fix).  If you'd like, you can use a diaper sprayer, which is essentially like a hose that attaches to the water line of your toilet and uses a spray nozzle to let you spray the poop off.  (And if you're worried about this getting poop on other surfaces of your bathroom, which it can, invest in something like a Spray Pal, which further contains the mess in your toilet.)

• DIY Tutorial: Make Your Own Diaper Sprayer

Most people wash diapers at least every two or three days.  (I don't recommend letting it go any longer than that.)  And pretty much everyone has their own opinion on the best way to wash them; if you search the Internet for "how to wash cloth diapers," you will find dozens of different ways to try.  You will need to figure out your own washing routine; the best way to wash can be affected by your water supply (how hard/soft, etc.), what kind of detergent you use, your model of washing machine, and other factors.  Here's how I wash mine:

1. Presoak or rinse with warm water
2. Regular wash cycle with hot water
3. Extra rinse cycle with warm water
4. Dry prefolds/inserts in dryer on medium heat; hang waterproof covers to dry

If I've noticed my diapers seem less absorbent than usual or if they are starting to smell despite being freshly washed, I will strip them; I usually do this once every three months or so.  I use bleach to strip mine.

• Six Ways to Strip Your Cloth Diapers

If you use wool diaper covers, be aware that they are washed and cared for differently than other types of diapers.  I personally have no experience with wool covers, but my sister loved them.  Many people swear by wool diapers as an ideal way to do cloth at night (but more on that later).

• Washing Wool Diaper Covers

Another washing option?  You can always hand wash your cloth diapers at home!  This can help them last longer, as traditional washing machines can be a bit rough.  Could be a good option if you want to do cloth but don't have a washer at home and don't want to pay for a diaper service.

• Handwashing Cloth Diapers Full Time
• How to Hand-Wash Cloth Diapers

What kind of detergent to use?  Look for something that leaves no residue and has no added dyes, fragrances, or fabric softeners, all of which can irritate baby's skin and affect absorbency.  There are many commercial brands of laundry detergent that fit these requirements, and there are also a number of detergents specifically marketed for cloth diapers.  There are also plenty of "recipes" out there for making your own cloth diaper-friendly laundry detergent.

• Detergent Choices at a Glance
• Cloth Diaper Detergent
• How to Make Homemade Cloth Diaper Detergent and Diaper Pail Deodorizers
• DIY Cloth Diaper Detergent
• Homemade Laundry Detergent Recipes

Where Can I Buy Cloth Diapers?

Online.  Lots of websites sell cloth diapers.  Try looking at the manufacturer's websites, or the website of your favorite baby store.  Some other suggestions:
Cotton Babies
Kelly's Closet
Diaper Junction
Green Mountain Diapers

Etsy

Retail Stores.  Your local baby store likely has cloth diapers, and even Babies R Us generally carries some options.

If you are looking for used cloth diapers, try craigslist, ebay, or Diaper Swappers.  Also look into any local resale groups you know of.

"When you sign on for cloth diapers, you join the cult.  You, too, start wandering garage sales looking for used BumGenius, FuzziBunz, OsoCozy, BottomBumpers, TushieSombrero, and AssHat cloth diapers (okay, I made up the last two).  You'll talk about your diapers at parties, weighing the pros and cons of trifolds versus flat inserts."  (Brian Leaf, Misadventures of a Parenting Yogi)

Other Questions

Seriously?  I have to wash them myself?  I would totally be on board with cloth if I could only get someone else to wash them.
Luckily for you, such services exist!  Get online and search for "cloth diaper service [your city]" and you will likely find one or more companies that will provide you with clean diapers every week (in varying sizes that change as your baby gets older) and will come take away the dirty diapers to be laundered.  I have never used a cloth diaper service, so I have no idea how much one costs, but I have heard that sometimes they kind of negate the cost-savings benefit of cloth.  But if your baby's health and the environment is an concern (and money is not), or if you just can't stomach the idea of washing your own diapers, then go look one up.  Diaper services also make a great gift for expecting or new mamas.

• Locate a Diaper Service

But really, poop is gross.  I don't think I'll be able to handle getting the poop off.
It's really not that bad.  Honest.  You'll adapt.  And remember that you've probably already gotten pooped on, peed on, and spit up on by your baby.  (Or you will be.)  You will be able to deal with this too.

And for the record, you're supposed to dump the poop out of disposables before you throw them away.  Seriously.  Any package of disposable diapers you buy will say something to the effect of "IMPORTANT: Shake soil into toilet."  (That's a direct quote from the package of Target up&up diapers that I bought for our last vacation.)  If you wrap the poop up in the diaper and throw it away as one neat package, you're doing it wrong.

If I use cloth diapers, do I have to use them all the time?  Will people look down on me if I use disposables sometimes too?
Of course not.  And if people judge you for that, well, that's their problem, not yours.  Lots of people who consider themselves full-time cloth diaper users have been known to use disposables on occasion, such as when on vacation or if their baby has some kind stomach bug that gives them diarrhea.  (I've totally continued using cloth through a few of my son's stomach bugs, which either makes me hardcore, lazy [meaning too lazy to go to the store], or an idiot.  Or some combination of the three.)  Some people use disposables for the first few weeks/months after baby is born, and then switch to cloth.  Some people use disposables at night, cloth during the day.  Some use cloth while at home and disposables anytime they leave the house.  You don't have to prove anything to anyone; diaper your baby in a way that works for you.

What's this I hear about needing to "prep" my diapers?
Diapers made of natural fibers (cotton, hemp, etc.) need to be washed several times before you use them.  This is because these fibers have naturally-occurring oils in them, which ultimately make your diapers less absorbent until the oils have been thoroughly washed away.  Natural fiber diapers should be washed at least three or four times before use; some people and companies recommend washing eight or more times to reach maximum absorbency!  Diapers made from synthetic fibers only need to be washed once before you can start using them.

• Prepping Cloth Diapers

Can I use cloth from birth?
Yes!  If you want to, anyway.  I know some people like to wait at least a few days, until the super-sticky meconium is out of baby's system, but others say that doesn't matter to them.  It's worth noting that most all-in-one type diapers or other adjustable covers that can be re-sized as baby grows won't fit a small baby; I believe most of mine were recommended for a baby eight pounds and larger, and even once baby hits that minimum weight the diapers may seem HUGE.  Specific infant diapers, designed to fit smaller babies without being bulky/uncomfortable, are available if you look for them, and some companies offer them for rent.

Snaps or velcro?  Which is better?
I only owned one cover that was closed with velcro, and I hated it.  Snaps all the way, in my opinion.  The velcro didn't stay closed very well for me after a few months of use, and it was much easier for my little boy's grasping fingers to get undone.  (He figured out snaps eventually too, but it took longer.)  Velcro is a bit more adjustable, however, and sometimes a bit cheaper.

Can I use diaper rash ointment with cloth diapers?
Lots of commercial brands of diaper rash cream/ointment are not compatible with cloth diapers.  They cause stains and do not wash cleanly off, reducing absorbency.  Babies in cloth diapers do get diaper rash, and it's important to know how to treat it when it happens.  Natural remedies are an option; try coconut oil, olive oil, or breast milk, to name a few.  My ointment of choice is Earth Mama Angel Baby's Angel Baby Bottom Balm; it always soothed my son's rash quickly, and never was a problem with my cloth.  There are other options that are safe for cloth diapers too, and there is always the option of using a disposable liner or insert while using diaper rash cream.

• Choosing and Using Diaper Rash Ointments and Creams (this page is a great breakdown of commercial diaper rash creams and how compatible [or not] they are with cloth diapers)
• How do I get diaper rash cream out of my cloth diaper?

Speaking of stains, won't my diapers get stained from all that poop?
They most likely will at some point in time.  The best stain remover is sunlight.  Seriously.  Leave stained diapers out in the sun for a day or so and the stains should fade away.  Bleach and vinegar can both be used to remove stains, or you can look for commercial products specifically designed to remove stains from cloth diapers.

• Stain Removal & Cloth Diapers

I hate getting up in the middle of the night to change my baby's diaper.  What's the best way to do cloth overnight?
This is a common question, and different people will find different solutions that work for them.  I confess that I used disposables at night until my son was around 9 months old, because I had such a hard time finding any way of using cloth that didn't require a change during the night and that also didn't leak!  (Of course the disposables leaked pretty frequently too...)  You can add an extra insert or two; it's pretty bulky, but most babies don't seem to mind and the extra absorbency can help you both make it through the night without a diaper change.  And most babies don't seem to be bothered by the wetness against their skin, but some definitely are.  You could try using a microfiber insert, which will wick the moisture away from baby's skin; some people, however, say you should never put microfiber directly against baby's skin.  Other materials, like fleece, will wick away moisture as well.  Many people love using wool for overnight diapering, but some people balk at the price.  The solution I eventually hit upon was to use hemp prefolds; they are less bulky than many other prefolds, but they are absorbent enough to last the whole night through.  They are much more expensive than cotton prefolds, but they are worthwhile in my opinion!

• Tips for Using 100% Reusable Cloth Diapers All Night
• Overnight Diapering and Wool: A True Story

What do I do when I go on vacation?  Can I take my cloth when we travel?
That depends on you and the specifics of your trip.  There are several things to consider.

• Do you have room in your luggage for your stash?  Those diapers take up a lot of space, and may need an entire bag to themselves.  If it's a road trip, this probably won't be a problem.  If you're flying, you might end up with an extra checked bag. 
• How long will you be gone?  If it's just a long weekend, then pack your diapers and the biggest wet bag you have and enjoy your trip!  If you're going to be gone longer than two or three days, you may want to reconsider.
• Where are you going and where are you staying?  Will you have access to a washer/dryer?  If you are visiting family, using cloth will be easier than if you are staying in a hotel somewhere.  Many resort-type vacation places will have washers and dryers, either in the room or on the premises, so cloth remains an option so long as you're comfortable using more public machines.  If you have friends living in the city where you are visiting, perhaps they'd be willing to let you use their washer/dryer.

• Traveling with Cloth Diapers

Is it true that babies in cloth diapers potty train earlier than babies in disposables?
It seems to be, generally speaking, but every baby is different.  Moms who use cloth often claim that because baby feels the wet diaper immediately after he goes potty, he becomes aware of that bodily function much sooner than babies in disposables who never feel the dampness against their skin.  Of course, if you use diapers that wick the wetness away from baby's skin, there won't be that effect.  As an anecdote, my son was pretty much potty trained by shortly after his second birthday, but that's just our story.  Potty training would be a whole different post for a whole different day.  (And I'm not promising anything.)  But keep in mind that when you are ready for potty training, you don't have to start buying those disposable training pants; cloth training pants are an option!

• What to Look for in Cloth Training Pants

What do I do with them once baby no longer needs them?
You have many options!  If think there may be more babies in your future, you can hold onto them and reuse them for the next baby.  They make fantastic dust rags and are great for wiping up spills.  Some liners can be used as menstrual pads, if you are into reusable ones.  You can pass them onto a friend or family member to help them save some money.  You can sell them through your local resale website, craigslist, ebay, or elsewhere.  Or you can donate them; there are various organizations and cloth diaper "banks" around the country that accept used cloth diapers in good condition, which are then distributed to families in need.  Look for local places to donate (your local cloth diaper-selling baby store might have more information), or look for ones that accept donations from anywhere.

• Giving Diapers, Giving Hope
• Cloth Diaper Banks

Other Sources
Real Diaper Association

The Business of Baby by Jennifer Margulis
http://www.jennifermargulis.net/books/the-business-of-baby/

The Other Baby Book by Megan McGrory Massaro & Miriam J. Katz

theotherbabybook.com

Loss: Bean Sprout's Story & Other Thoughts

TRIGGER WARNING:  This is a post about pregnancy loss.  A hard and painful topic, I know, but writing about my experience has been very healing for me.  Hopefully others will benefit in some way from reading my story.

This year I celebrated my third Mother's Day being a mother myself, and it was a good day.  My honey made me waffles and we took our son to the aquarium, somewhere he had never been before.  We saw jellyfish and played in the water and ate veggie fajitas for lunch.  We smiled and laughed and enjoyed being together as a family.  And yet, during the quiet moments in between fun and laughter and sunshine, I found myself battling melancholy. I've been successfully keeping sadness at bay for weeks now, but on this oh-so-commercialized holiday celebrating moms everywhere my mind kept returning to one simple fact:

I would be 21 weeks pregnant now, had I not had a miscarriage.

I should have had a nice, well-rounded baby bump, a glowing complexion, the sensation of movement deep in my womb.  Instead, my tummy is flat and empty, both physically and figuratively.

"Bonding between mothers and their unborn babies takes place long before others can see that they are pregnant, long before ultrasound can prove that life exists, long before the father and other loved ones can feel the stirrings of young life as the baby kicks and moves within its mother."  (from Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart)

My second pregnancy had been planned, although I can admit now with only a little trepidation that I felt a bit ambivalent about having another baby.  As with my first baby, I conceived within a week or two of trying, and the pregnancy test I took once I was overdue for my menstrual cycle only confirmed what I already knew deep inside.  But that doesn't mean I was entirely at peace with my decision.  My son, not even two years old yet, still commanded so much of my attention that I had a hard time imagining how another baby could fit into the picture.  And while everyone I know with more than one baby has told me, with a knowing and only slightly condescending smile, that of course my heart would expand in order to fit a new little one in its depths, I still had a hard time imagining that I could ever love another baby with every fiber of my being, as much as I love my son.

Still, I embraced my pregnancy and my Bean Sprout (as we lovingly took to calling the baby) with my whole being once it was confirmed.  No more trips to Starbucks for Earl Grey Tea Lattes (tall, with soy and just one pump of vanilla, please), no more caffeine at all.  I continued taking my prenatal vitamins, which I had been taking inconsistently over the last few years, and I added prenatal DHA supplements.  I let myself sleep when first trimester fatigue overwhelmed me, napping with my son during the day and frequently going to bed at night soon after he did.  I told my yoga instructors, and by association the other women in the studio where I practiced, and only complained a little about leaving behind inversions, arm balances, and deep abdominal twists.  I ate as best as I could manage, considering that I hardly felt like cooking most days, and I worked to add more protein to my diet.

I had a beautiful, empowering home birth with my son, and consequently assumed as soon as we started discussing a second baby that the plan would essentially be the same, just in a new place.  (My son was born in Illinois, with a midwife licensed out of Wisconsin, since Illinois doesn't license direct-entry midwives.  We now live in California, where the options for a woman interested in natural birth are much, much better.)  The local military hospital was never a real option, since I have heard way too many horror stories of women with birth plans completely derailed, and while we briefly discussed the idea of using a birth center, my husband quickly acquiesced to the idea of another home birth without any real opposition.  After my first birth, I had a hard time envisioning birthing anywhere else other than in the comfort of my own home.  Well, not without true medical need, anyway.

There are only a few midwives in San Diego who accept my insurance for even part of the cost of their services.  Fortunately, I already knew the midwives in one of those practices; they attended the birth of the second baby of one of my closest friends, and I had been there as support.  Without hesitation, I contacted them, first for a consultation, then to start receiving regular care.

My first prenatal appointment was just before I reached the twelve-week mark.  It was a pretty uneventful visit.  I had already done the whole pregnancy thing once before, and my ideas about birth matched their philosophies pretty closely.  We measured various parts of me, did a pap smear, and took some blood.  And we tried to listen to Bean Sprout's heartbeat, but the midwife couldn't find it.  She wasn't alarmed, and I tried not to be either.  After all, a baby at twelve weeks gestation is pretty darn small, and dopplers are not the most powerful tools in the world.

The midwife offered me a referral to get an ultrasound done, if I wanted one.  I had hoped to avoid ultrasounds with this pregnancy; after all, I had not had a single one during my first pregnancy.  (Note that I am not against ultrasound, I just did not want one without medical need.)  After much discussion with my husband, I decided to schedule an appointment for one, just for the sake of peace of mind.

We came to that decision on Friday afternoon; I resolved to call first thing Monday morning.

On Saturday night, I went to use the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding.  Not a lot, but it was bright, bright red blood, and it frightened me.  I noticed then something that I had been willfully ignoring all day.  I was feeling crampy, like I do when my period comes.

I knew then and there what was happening, but when the bleeding subsided as quickly as it had begun and the cramping got no worse I tried to reason myself out of it.

I called my midwife the next morning, and she did her best to reassure me.  She said bleeding was not uncommon, that it might be nothing.  She urged me to get an ultrasound as soon as possible, but didn't think it was worth worrying myself over.

That, of course, is easier said than done.  I did worry.  I worried all day, as I continued to spot blood off and on.  I worried as the cramps persisted.  I worried while trying to act normal for my son's sake.  I worried as I cried on my husband's shoulder, fearing the worst.

I woke up early Monday, with no doubt left in my mind what was happening.  The bleeding was getting worse.  The cramps had started coming in waves, eerily reminiscent of being in labor, and I could no longer sleep through them.  I had to get up and move.  By the time my family was all up, a few hours later, I had abandoned my plans of making an ultrasound appointment at the place my midwife recommended, abandoned even the idea of just showing up at the OB/GYN department of the military hospital.  I had to go do something NOW, so I left my son home with his daddy and drove myself to the emergency room.

On some level, I believe I was finally allowing to happen what was inevitable at this point.  The mind is a powerful thing, and I think that by going to the hospital I was giving my body permission to start letting go.  As I walked from my car to the ER, I felt something... bigger... come out.  The ER was, thankfully, pretty empty, and by the time I got back from the bathroom they were ready for me in triage.  I was moved into a room and a heplock was inserted into my arm, blood was taken, and the doctors began trying to arrange to get me in for an ultrasound.

Unfortunately, the wait was a long one.  A lot of the time that I spent in the ER was pretty fuzzy, but I know I spent a long time in that room, reading the book I had (thankfully) remembered to bring, bleeding onto the bed, and making regular trips to the bathroom, where I bled more and continued to pass clots and pieces of tissue.  By the time they finally got me in for an ultrasound, I was starving, having not eaten anything since a very early breakfast, now hours ago.  But the doctors wouldn't let me eat and I had not brought any food of my own.  The vaginal ultrasound was very in depth, and took what seemed like forever to me.  I was bleeding and in pain, and it seemed like such a violation, but I did my best to relax and let them take as many images as they needed to.  The technician said barely a word to me the whole time, informing me only that the pictures would be looked at by someone else and someone would come down and talk to me in my room in the ER.

More time passed.  I got hungrier.  I bled more.  I was given water, but nothing else.

At one point, I got up to use the bathroom again.  It had been a few hours since my last bathroom trip, and the amount of blood I had lost finally caught up to me.  I barely made it to the bathroom, where I bled more into the toilet and passed more tissue.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  By the time I staggered back to my room, someone had come to change the sheets, so I couldn't just climb into bed.  My vision was going black around the edges, and I sank to the ground and put my head between my knees, doing my best to stay conscious.  I heard the orderly stop what he was doing, and a few seconds later he hesitantly asked me if I was alright.  I told him I felt faint.  After a few more seconds, he asked if I needed help.  I would have laughed if I could have, at the stupidity of a question whose answer should have been obvious, but instead I just responded yes.  I think I even said please.  He called in the doctors, then quietly pointed out that, well, my hospital gown had fallen open in the back.  I told him I didn't care.  I was just fighting to stay conscious at that point.

Moments later, the room was rushed by several doctors and nurses, who had me up and onto the freshly-made bed in short order, tilted with my head below the rest of the body.  After hours of slow-but-steady blood loss with no food to replenish myself and no IV fluids, it was really no wonder that I had nearly passed out.  They gave me saline, straight from the fridge, which helped with the dizziness but soon had me shivering uncontrollably.  And they were out of blankets, so instead I was piled with lots and lots of sheets to help warm me up.

Turns out, nearly passing out is what finally got someone down from OB/GYN to talk to me about the ultrasound.  The status:  I was, in fact, miscarrying.  By the time the ultrasound had been done, my uterus was already pretty much empty; only the empty embryonic sac remained.  A quick vaginal exam showed that one more trip to the bathroom would have done away with that, too; the doctor was able to easily pull it out with her fingers.  A portable ultrasound machine was brought in, and my womb was shown to be completely and totally empty; no evidence of my pregnancy remained.

And once the sac was gone, the bleeding slowed down substantially.  They kept me for a few more hours, for observation and to make sure I was handling the blood loss okay.  (I did not need a transfusion, thankfully.)  I did not require a D&C or any further kind of surgery to remove anything from my uterus.  I was given permission to eat, and a nice corpsman found me graham crackers and juice, which I devoured fiercely.  I was given a shot of RhoGAM, even though my bloodwork revealed that I was already isoimmunized and there probably wasn't much point in doing so.

(I have no way of knowing when I became sensitized.  I received RhoGAM after my son's birth; was I part of the small percentage for whom the medication did not work?  Had I been bleeding for awhile internally before I started spotting?  All I know for certain is that any future pregnancy I have will now be classified as high risk.  And, consequently, chances are good that I will never have a home birth again.)

And that is my story.  A few short days, a lot of blood, and most of a day spent in the ER, and I was suddenly no longer pregnant.  Most of my friends had no idea I had been pregnant in the first place, and I've only since told a bare handful about what happened.  We had just told our immediate family a few days before, after my midwife appointment, and now had the unpleasant task of informing everyone that Baby #2, our little Bean Sprout, would no longer be gracing our lives in September.  I bled for a week, and cried frequently for many more.  I don't cry over it very often anymore, but sadness creeps up on me every now and then.

"She was not a bunch of cells to me.  She was my child.  Though I never met her, not literally, I carried her, and that is an experience unlike any other.  The bond grows fiercer the longer the pregnancy, but it is strong from the beginning."  (from Three Minus One)

Coping with miscarriage has been a whole new experience for me.  I understand now how our society has a tendency to minimize it, to expect women to just get on with their lives in short order.  I understand that different women are affected by miscarriage in different ways.  I know that some women do "bounce back," ready to try for another baby soon after they are physically healed.  And I know it's not uncommon at all for women to continue to grieve for their babies for weeks, months, even years afterwards.

I know now that most people have no idea what to say in response to a miscarriage.  I know that not too long ago, I had no idea what to say either.  When I was in the ER, right after I almost passed out, I remember that one of the doctors spent what must have been at least ten minutes by my bedside, telling me over and over again that it was okay, I would heal, I could have another baby, I could start trying again as soon as I wanted to.  I just cried and nodded and acknowledged what he was saying, but deep down I wanted to punch him.  Of course I could probably have another baby someday.  But I wanted this baby.  Even people who I would have thought should have known better reacted by telling me that someday I would have another baby.  People who say things like that surely mean well, but it feels like a slap in the face.

What has helped has been talking to people.  I have a few friends (that I know of) who have suffered miscarriage in the past, and talking to them has brought me great comfort.  Hearing the stories of others helps me feel less alone.  Having a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, someone willing to listen while I try to sort through my emotions, helps more than words can express.  Having friends who think about me, pray for me, send me messages to check in and find out how I'm coping makes me feel so loved, so understood.  I know that I am not the only one who feels this way.  I know that it is not unusual for me to still be grieving.

Books have been helpful too, although reading through them has been slow and difficult.  Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart helped me to understand that what I was and still am feeling is normal.  Three Minus One, which technically focuses more on stillbirth than on miscarriage, helped me to feel less alone.  I reread The Big Lie, a book that I reviewed for San Francisco Book Review some time ago, and the grueling statistics within have taken on a whole new meaning.   Still on my list is Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage, which promises to help me better understand how and why miscarriage happens.

"In the United States alone, over 26,000 couples a year deliver a stillborn child--that is 1 in every 160 births and more than 6 times the number of children who die of SIDS every year. 

If one includes neonatal death, which is the death of the child within the first 28 days after their birth, the numbers nearly double to 1 in every 85 births or over 50,000 per year.  This is greater than the amount of people who die in traffic accidents across the country each year. 

If one goes a step further and includes miscarriages, than 1 in every 4 women and couples have been touched by a loss which still remains silent, misunderstood and ignored by society."  (from Three Minus One)

At almost ten weeks postpartum, as it were, I still struggle with many different emotions.

I am shocked at how common miscarriage is, shocked that I did not know, shocked that most people are so willfully oblivious to the possibility until it happens to them.  Depending on who you ask, anywhere from 10-30+% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  (For the record, miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy anytime before 20 weeks gestation.  And, actually, the technical medical term for miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion.")

I feel an odd, morbid sort of curiosity about whether anybody else I know has suffered a miscarriage.  If miscarriages are as common as the statistics say, how many of my friends have had one without me knowing about it?  How many of my friends will have them in the coming years?

I feel shame at my body's inadequacy.  What happened to the woman who, just a few short years earlier, gave birth fearlessly and powerfully and beautifully in the bathroom of her own apartment?  What happened between now and then to leave me so broken, unable to even grow a baby properly, much less give birth to it?

Sometimes, I feel envy.  I am jealous of my friends who seem to carry their babies so effortlessly, so securely, so naively in their ignorance of how easily things can go wrong.  At times, I am a little resentful towards people I know who had no problems conceiving and birthing a second baby.  But really, I do not resent my friends so much as I resent my body for failing at doing the same thing.

But most of all, aside from sadness of course, I feel guilt.  I feel guilt that I am somehow to blame for losing my baby.  (Was it because I got the stomach flu early in my pregnancy?  Was it the raw milk I drank?  Too much caffeine in the days before I knew?)  I feel guilty because I had misgivings about being pregnant in the first place.  I feel guilty that almost all of my baby's remains ended up in the toilet.  (I know that this is very common, but still I feel guilty about it.  Surely my baby deserved better.)  I feel guilty that I have no idea what caused my miscarriage.  I feel guilty for feeling as much grief as I do, because surely mothers who deal with stillbirth or multiple miscarriages or persistent infertility have much more of a right to grief than I do.  I feel guilty for feeling as much grief as I do, because I already have one healthy son, and I am young and surely I will be able to have another baby someday if I decide to try.

And another effect of my miscarriage?  I am certified instructor for Birth Boot Camp, something I pursued after my son's birth because I was so passionate about helping to educate others about their options when it comes to birth.  After my miscarriage, I cancelled my upcoming class series, which would have been my first one, because I couldn't bear the thought of being around that many pregnant women.  I was struggling with my grief, and I didn't think it would be fair to students to teach when I couldn't give it my all.

I haven't rescheduled.  I don't know when I will be ready to think about teaching again.  I don't know if I will ever be ready.

"I wanted to disappear and be as silent as my miscarriage had been, for in the end, all that remains is the sound of an aching silence for which there are no words."  (from Three Minus One)

Miscarriage was awful, is awful.  That day was one of the worst days of my life.  And yet, in all honesty, I am glad it happened the way it did.  Not that I lost my baby, never about that, but that it happened how it did.  I miscarried in the same way that I would have (hopefully) eventually given birth: naturally, without medication, with minimal intervention, when my body was ready.  I don't know how much time passed between my baby's death and the miscarriage, and I really don't care.  I will never know if my baby was just hiding from the doppler during my prenatal appointment or if she was already dead.  I like to think I would have been strong enough to hold onto my ideals, to let the philosophies that guided me through birth guide me through loss, but I'm glad I did not have to make that decision.  I certainly don't fault women who choose D&C, women who cannot and will not continue to carry death within their wombs, and instead choose medical intervention to end things now, but I am glad I did not have to make that decision.

I had a miscarriage.  I am still grieving.  I am slowly moving past it, slowly healing, but I will probably always grieve on some level.