A Letter to Myself

Welcome to the June 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Talking to Yourself
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have written letters to themselves. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Dear Me of Three Years Ago,

Four months old. Hard to believe, isn't it? This is such a precious time.

Wait a second, I hear you saying. If you're about to go off on some sentimental BS pontification about how I should enjoy this moment because he'll grow so quickly... You can shove it.

Crazy mama of a four-year-old!

I get it. I really do.

Having a four-month-old is hard. Really freakin' hard. You're still sleep deprived, and the fact that you only sleep in two-hour increments (when you're lucky) has really started to take a toll. You feel like a zombie during a good portion of your waking moments. Your boobs hurt, even though both you and baby have mostly gotten the hang of breastfeeding. They still leak sometimes, too. That breastfeeding hunger has you in its grasp, and you feel constantly ravenous (and your nursing station always seems to be out of healthy snacks). You are always parched; even when you drink water all day, you're still thirsty.

But this really is a sweet time. It may be hard to fully appreciate now, but life as you know it just keeps on changing, and soon you'll miss these days.

I'm not just talking about the "he'll never be this small again" thing, although that is absolutely true. There are so many aspects of life right now that are soon going to change dramatically.

I mean, right now, you're really in a great place. Physically, at least. The postpartum bleeding, the lochia, is completely gone and has been for awhile. Your regular monthly cycle hasn't come back. You've moved beyond the worst of the breastfeeding issues, and have settled into a comfortable rhythm of feeding completely on cue. Baby still sleeps a goodly chunk of every day (spoiler alert: in three years, he'll hardly be napping at all), which means you can still slip in a daily nap or two of your own with relative ease.

And when you're not napping, you still have time to do some uninterrupted reading. Take a shower, perhaps. Or maybe even watch a little Netflix. Please take advantage of this now, because when you get to where I am, it's a whole lot harder. You probably don't want to know how little time you'll be able to carve out for movies when another few months (or years) have passed.

And now that you've well and truly gotten into a babywearing groove, you're much more mobile. During those times when baby doesn't just fall asleep while nursing, you can instead strap him to your chest and let him snooze there. You can get up and go! You can do almost anything!

It's hard to believe, but someday you will miss these days where the only thing you're expected to do is sit around and nurse a baby. Seriously. No one expects you to do much of anything around the house right now, because being a mother takes almost every ounce of your energy. Before you know it, you'll have to find time to get your home back to some semblance of clean again. At least every once in awhile. You'll have to start cooking real food again (although that's more because you want it than because anyone else expects it of you). You'll actually have to start folding the laundry again, rather than just leaving giant piles of clean clothes for the family to sift through.

And speaking of breastfeeding, have I mentioned how awesome it is that you're still doing so exclusively?! Good job, you/me! You want to know what one of the bonuses of exclusive BF is? Being able to eat pretty much whatever you want. You need those extra calories every day, after all, and you already know that you'll drop the baby weight eventually. No rush there. Eat all the trail mix and dried fruit you want! Enjoy those occasional milk shakes! Your body is burning through it all, believe me, so enjoy that freedom while it lasts. Because it won't be for too much longer.

I'm not trying to make light of things, I'm really not. I'm not so far beyond those challenging early days that I've forgotten how hard it is to learn how to be a mother. That is an ongoing task, and three plus years in, I still learn something new every day. Please don't beat yourself up too much for all the things you don't know yet. You have plenty of time to learn more. Just keep on going to your friends and family for advice, reading, and, above all else, trusting your own instincts. It's an ongoing process, and your parenting skills will continue to evolve as needed.

Let me get a bit sentimental here, though. It really does go by fast. If you ever start to get sick of breastfeeding constantly, well, remember that someday your baby will no longer be nursing at all. If holding him for almost every waking hour of the day makes your arms ache, understand that you're providing him with the secure attachment he needs right now... and someday soon, he'll hardly let you carry him at all, and you'll only get the briefest of hugs and kisses. If you get tired of being the only place where he wants to sleep, know that eventually he'll climb out of your bed all on his own, retreating to his own sleeping nest after those middle of the night snuggles.

You'll miss these days. It's hard to imagine, but you will. Having a four-month-old is so hard sometimes that it's easy to lose sight of how wonderful it is, too.

Soak it up while you can.

Love, me

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Dear Me. — Meegs at A New Day writes to her decade-younger self offering a good reminder of how far she's come, and she addresses some fears she wishes future her could assuage.
• Reflecting on Motherhood with Parental Intelligence: A Letter to Myself — Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. at Parental Intelligence writes about raising her two loving, empathic sons with Parental Intelligence and finding they have become industrious, accomplished young men with warm social relationships.
• A Letter to Myself — The Barefoot Mama writes to herself in the moments around the birth of her daughter.
• A Letter to Myself — Holly at Leaves of Lavender offers a missive to herself in the past... three years in the past, to be precise, when her little one was only four months old.
• Dear me: Nothing will go the way you've planned — Lauren at Hobo Mama gets real with her just-starting-parenting self and tells it to her straight.
• A Letter to the Mama Whom I Will Become — Erin from And Now, for Something Completely Different writes a letter to the Mama whom she will one day be, filled with musings on the past, present, and future.
• Dear Me of 7 Years Ago — Lactating Girl at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes to her pre-baby self telling her about the whirlwind she's about to enter called parenting.
• Talking to My 18 Year Old Self — HannahandHorn talks to herself as she is just entering college.
• Dear highly sensitive soul — Marija Smits tells a younger version of herself that motherhood will bring unexpected benefits - one of them being the realization that she is a highly sensitive person.
• Talking to myself: Dear Pre Stoneageparent — Stoneageparent enlightens her pre-pregnant self about the amazing transformations life has in store for her after having two children
• Dear Me: I love you. — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wrote herself a few little reminders to help her be at peace with who she is in the moment. That may give her the greatest chance of being at peace in the future, too.
• My best advice to the new mama I was 8 years ago — Tat at Mum in Search shares the one thing she wishes she'd figured out earlier in a letter to her 8-years-ago self (that's when her first baby was 6 moths old).
• A Letter to Myself — Bibi at The Conscious Doer sends a letter back in time eight years to her darkest moment post partum.
• To me, with love — Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama makes peace with her past and projects what a future her will need to hear.
• To Myself on the Last Day — Rachael at The Variegated Life tells her panicked last-day-before-motherhood self not to worry.

The Big Three-Oh

How do you celebrate a milestone?

If you're me, you apparently celebrate with yoga.

 

And PiYo. And Starbucks. And delicious vegan food. Housework and park time and reading lots and lots of (picture) books. Copious amounts of tea.

And brownies. Can't forget the brownies.

In short, my birthday was pretty much like any other day. Well, to be fair, I don't drink Starbucks *every* day. And as much as I love brownies, I don't actually make them very often (because I have no self control when it comes to brownies). The point is that I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary.

The past decade has been pretty amazing, though. I've accomplished an awful lot. I got married, bought a house, moved out of my home state (in that order). I've lived in at least 5 or 6 different homes (most of them apartments), because I'm apparently incapable of living in the same place for more than two years. I'm currently living in Southern California, where I've lived for the past few years.

I gave birth to a wonderful little boy and breastfed him for three years (and then some).

I got into shape, then got out of shape (I barely exercised for more than two years after my son's birth), then finally got back into shape again.

I refined the way I eat, going from being an essential junk food vegetarian to eating a fully plant-based (and primarily vegan) diet.

I worked at several jobs and ultimately settled into my full-time gig as a stay-at-home mama.

Ultimately, I have found happiness. I have a wonderful little family. I seem to have my depressive issues under control. I'm getting better at balancing my family with my own interests: reading, reviewing books, writing, tabletop games, occasional video games.

So what will the next ten years hold? Who knows! I have no idea where we will be living a few years from now. I have no idea if the future will bring another baby for us. I don't know if I will ever fully commit to veganism. I don't know when I will ever hold a "real" job again.

Much is yet uncertain, but I am definitely looking forward to the coming years!

I Believe in Empowered Birth

 Once upon a time, I did not think I was ever going to have a baby.

Hard to believe, right? I spend so much time nowadays talking about pregnancy and birth and babies that most people probably assume I was that little girl who always played house, pretending to care for her baby dolls and imaging names I'd give to my future children.

Not so much. I honestly never thought much about it as a child. Or I don't remember thinking about it, anyway. And as a teenager, I was adamantly against the idea of having a baby. The weirdness of growing a living creature inside my own body, the pain of labor, the actual process of birth... no, thank you! If I ever had a a baby, it would certainly be adopted!

As a young adult and through the first few years of my marriage, I maintained that point of view. No babies, not for us. We'll just be the "cool" aunt and uncle, who visit our nieces and nephews bringing toys and cupcakes, but then we still get to go home by ourselves at the end of the day. That thought suited me just fine.

I'm not sure entirely when that changed. The seeds may have been planted when I read my first natural birth book (Birthing a Better Way by Kalena Cook and Margaret Christensen, which I was inspired to pick up as a review book for San Francisco Book Review during my sister's first pregnancy). Maybe it had something to do with both of my siblings having babies of their own. Maybe it was having pregnant coworkers, or making new friends who were already parents. Whatever the case, D and I started discussing actually having a baby of our own.

I still had my own fears to get over, of course. I was still very freaked out by the idea of pregnancy. And as for birth... well, I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of a baby's head coming out of my vagina. And the pain of contractions! Every movie and TV show I'd ever seen depicting birth showed screaming women who felt like they were being torn apart from the inside, dramatically intense labors beginning with an explosion of amniotic fluid, mantras that consisted of "I can't do this I hate you I'm going to kill you for doing this to me I just want this to be over." Birth looked downright scary. But what was scarier, the pain itself, or the big epidural needle that could take it away?

But we did it anyway. And apparently that one natural childbirth book had made a deeper impression on me than I realized at the time, because as I started reading about birth, I immediately found myself gravitating toward less interventions. I did not know quite what I did want from birth, but I certainly had some ideas of what I didn't want, and the hospitals in my area did not seem to be able to deliver. Routine electronic fetal monitoring, mandatory IVs, high c-section and epidural rates, the regular use of drugs to speed things up.... these were not what I wanted.

I like to say that I accidentally stumbled into the natural birth community. By knowing what I didn't want, I eventually figured out what I did want. Through rejecting some mindsets and the books that promoted them, I instead found books advocated for natural birth. I discovered birth centers and home birth. I learned that for many low-risk women, ultrasounds aren't actually necessary. I found out that I didn't have to take a test or do a procedure just because my care provider included it in their standard of care (and I was fired by my OB for doing just that!). I learned about natural, non-medicated ways to cope with labor pain (and the more I read about the side effects of epidurals, the more determined I became to avoid one). I read about the many benefits of not cutting the umbilical cord right away. I learned about skin-to-skin, about why the vernix shouldn't be washed away, and why that ointment they put in a baby's eyes was completely unnecessary for us.

Between books (I was lucky enough to have someone refer me to Ina May, and I followed my instincts and returned What to Expect to the library just a few days after checking it out in the first place) and the Internet (where I discovered many wonderful blogs and the beauty of positive birth stories), not to mention the guidance of my midwife (who introduced me to The Business of Being Born, among other things), I was able to figure out what kind of birth I wanted.

And you know what? The birth of my son was perfect. It was the most amazing and empowering thing I've ever done. And I attribute that to the amount of time I spent researching my options, learning everything I could about the normal process of birth.

To me, that is what empowered birth is really about. Empowered birth does not necessarily mean a natural birth, nor does it mean a pain-free hospital birth. It means taking every step you can to ensure having the kind of birth YOU want. It means being treated with respect and dignity throughout labor, so that even when things don't go they way you wanted them to you still feel like you had a great birth. It means knowing your options. It means knowing potential side effects, knowing the benefits and the risks of everything. It means informed consent - AND refusal.

That's why, even today, more than three years after my son's birth (and with no certainty of whether or not I'll ever be able to experience birth again), I remain so passionate about birth. I don't even want to think about what my son's birth could have been like if I hadn't started reading. I know so many people who had birth experiences that were disappointing or downright traumatic... and in most cases, they probably didn't have to be. (And that's a failing of the system, of the way birth happens in our country. It is not a failing of birthing women!) Birth is absolutely unpredictable, and things don't always go according to plan, but it's amazing how simply being educated about the process can make the entire process more satisfying overall.

I believe every woman deserves the opportunity to have an amazing birth. That is why I briefly sought certification as a natural childbirth educator (and why I may eventually return to that vocation someday), why I dream of being a doula in the future, why I share a million pregnancy- and birth-related articles with my friends through social media.

I got lucky. I read one good book, and then I stumbled upon others and some amazing websites. I found I had questions, and I discovered the answers that were right for me. But it shouldn't have been merely determined by luck. The information necessary for an empowered birth is out there, but it shouldn't be so hard to find. 

And that's why we must all keep working to make sure pregnant women have access to real information about birth.

Review: The CSA Cookbook

The first time I ever joined a CSA (Six years ago? Seven?), I remember how much D and I loved getting new-to-us, seemingly exotic fruits and vegetables. Of course, the Internet and food blogs have come a long way since then; back when we got started, it was a serious challenge figuring out what exactly to do with some of those veggies.

What do you do with sunchokes (or Jerusalem artichokes, as they're sometimes called)? How do you prepare fresh fava beans? Kohlrabi? Fennel? Okra? These were just a few of the vegetables I encountered for the first time through my CSA, vegetables I'd never bought from a store or even farmers' market before. These were vegetables that most of my ample cookbook library had no mention of, and at that point in time, even finding recipes on the Internet sometimes proved challenging.

Nowadays, that is less of an issue. But even still, as a lover of actual physical cookbooks, I have long wished for a cookbook that features tasty recipes for some of the vegetables that I have grown to love over the past few years.

So you can imagine how excited I was by the premise of The CSA Cookbook.

Linda Ly, well-known across the Internet for her Garden Betty blog, has poured her extensive gardening experience and love of "farm food" into every page of this delightful new cookbook. And whether you're a CSA subscriber, farmers' market aficionado, or just someone who loves to try new things (and does not love to waste food), or maybe all of the above, there are going to be recipes in here that sing to you.

There are many things to love about this cookbook.

The recipes, for starters, are amazing. They utilize a wide variety of veggies (and a few fruits), many of which are commonly found in CSA boxes (in California, at least; I have very limited experience with favorite CSA veggies in other states) and farmers' markets, and many of which the average home cook may have no idea what to do with.

Certainly, there are the usual suspects: recipes using kale, peppers, tomatoes, various beans, carrots, onions, leeks. There are more unusual items too: romanesco broccoli (or cauliflower, sometimes called fractal broccoli or cauliflower), fennel, fava beans, kohlrabi.

But where this book really shines is in Ly's use of the parts of the vegetables that many readers may not even know can be eaten. Turn those kohlrabi bulbs into Kohlrabi Home Fries (on my list of things to try next time I get to the market), and then add the leaves to Kohlrabi Green and Wild Mushroom Ragoût. Make Roasted Beet and Carrot Salad, but save those carrot greens to turn into Carrot Top Salsa. Those tough kale stems that every other recipe tells you to throw away can actually be turned into pesto, and your watermelon rinds can be made into kimchi or thrown into a stir fry.

Do you see how limitless the possibilities are? One thing I realized when reading through this book is that I am wasting so much food every day. I, who have always prided myself on diligently eating leftovers and patiently finding ways to eat every veggie in my weekly box, have been throwing away an awful lot of perfectly edible food. I just needed someone to tell me that it is, in fact, edible, and to give me ideas for how to use it.

Another cool features of this book is the formula for making vegetable stock. Because you don't need to buy specific veggies for stock. No, you can use all kinds of bits of veggie that you were probably already throwing away. Onion ends and skins. Stems from herbs. Corn cobs. Peels and leaves from carrots, the ends from beets, the stems from mushrooms. All of these things can go into making your own amazing vegetable broth, and by using the handy chart to keep the flavors balanced, as well as remembering to start with the token aromatics (onion, carrots, and celery, of course!), it's easy to make at home.

My other favorite feature in The CSA Cookbook is the pesto chart. Pesto can go so far beyond plain basil (although don't get me wrong; classic pesto is delicious and can be put anywhere!). But herbs of all kinds can be added to pesto, as can greens such as arugula, spinach, chard (as well as the stems), and even the leaves of green bean plants. Parmesan is great, but asiago or other types can be used as well. And while pine nuts are traditional, don't shy away from trying sunflower seeds or macadamia nuts. Ly's basic pesto recipe offers a ratio for combining less common pesto ingredients and getting spectacular results.

Aside from that, The CSA Cookbook has what every good cookbook has. Delicious recipes, clearly explained and featuring alternative ingredients in many instances (just in case you can't source that unusual ingredient - broccoli leaves can be pretty hard to find if you don't grow your own!). Gorgeous photography, guaranteed to leave you feeling hungry. Fun and informative headnotes, which provide little windows into the author's life (and isn't that one of the reasons we all love blogs so much in the first place?) and little facts that will keep your brain engaged and provide some dinner table trivia opportunities.

Even my toddler loved the Fresh Pea Soup!

As a vegetarian, I feel the need to point out that this cookbook is most definitely not meatless. But the majority of the meals are vegetarian, and some of the non-vegetarian ones could probably be adapted. And the fact that there are a handful of recipes in here containing meat definitely does not deter me from recommending this cookbook to everyone!

In case you can't tell, I pretty much adore this cookbook. There are so many amazing-sounding recipes in here, and the few I've managed to try already have exceeded my expectations. The recipes from The CSA Cookbook will be making appearances on my meal plans for a long time to come.

Note: The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone! I initially reviewed this cookbook for San Francisco Book Review; you can find my review of The CSA Cookbook here.